My liver just broke up with me...
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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