fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
