i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
