Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
