Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
