was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
wow bdsm is so cute
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
