meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize