its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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