I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
