In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
