only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize