so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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