Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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