I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
