1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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