It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
