He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
