You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
