god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
