1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
And my parents said I crawled through the house
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
