i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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