I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
