I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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