matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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