I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize