I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it glows. i had to have it.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
