What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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