Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
