Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
