Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
