literally had 100 drinks last night.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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