I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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