We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
