We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
