Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
