i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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