I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
