So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
