I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
