Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
