Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
