Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
