if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
