I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
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