u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
