Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
