chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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