Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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