Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
