my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
