Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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