absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
