Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
