Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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