I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
