She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
