This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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